Happy Monday!

Happy Monday!  Praying today that the job offer for an as needed RN position in a mental health crisis unit is not rescinded after they run a background check.  I have a misdemeanor record from while I was acutely manic and refusing treatment... my current employer hired me regardless and I'm hoping this company will do the same. Trying to get my "foot in the door", per se, so I can one day transition into a full time position and out of the hospital. If anyone is actually reading this... a prayer or 2 would be appreciated.

H is much better after switching to a new medicine. She is not as paranoid as she was and is not having delusions of persecution. The entire school population "hated her", and "talked about her" in her mind and it weighed heavily on her.  The new anti psychotic medicine has helped beat down these feelings.

OK, otherwise good. My gut is not feeling really spiffy today as my Ulcerative Colitis is flaring but I've had this disease for so long I just deal with it.

I hope anyone reading this had a Happy Easter... Our Savior is risen, Hallelujah!  

Wednesday April 1 2014

How I wish this past 2 weeks had been just a cruel April Fools Day joke. My baby girl went from severe depression to acute mania with psychosis. She was hearing voices and seeing things. The voices were telling her to kill herself. She was obsessed with her Facebook Status and told me she was "Facebook famous"... that she had 9,990 followers.  That the voices coming through her headphones were all saying "don't like her status... she's ugly... she's horrible".  Unfortunately, my worst fears have come to pass; my daughter is also Bipolar. This shitty disease has been passed to yet another generation.  She was hospitalized for 10 days; it took a full 8 days for the voices to start "fading away" and now she says they are gone.  But are they really? Or is she just saying that so she could get out of the hospital?  I don't know... watchful waiting is the name of the game now.  I pray to God she learns from my mistakes and history doesn't repeat itself. That she stays on her medications even when she might think she doesn't need them anymore. She will be 18 in 5 months... then she won't have to listen to me anymore if she doesn't want to. Please God, look after my baby. Help her make wise choices in all she does. And help me come to terms with this added stressor in my life.

I've been writing my "book" in my head and at one time on computer for years now. I'm 47 years old and a mother of 2 girls; my oldest is 22 and Autistic, my youngest is 17 and has ADHD and depression. I am also Bipolar. Gasp!  Eek!  OMG!  The stigma associated with having a mental illness is ridiculous, to say the least... especially when you are a healthcare professional. Did I forget to mention I am also a Registered Nurse?  RN = Registered Nut. I was involuntarily committed twice when I was first diagnosed.  I lost custody of my children because of my illness. My life spiraled down into the deepest, darkest abyss that one can ever imagine as I wallowed around on short term disability for almost a year after being released from the hospital the second time.  But I crawled (literally) out of that hole and managed to find work as a nurse again.  2 years after that I suffered a massive heart attack and required cardiac bypass surgery to fix it.  And I was out on disability for 2 more years while my beat up body refused to heal. But God is good... again I got up, went back to work and persevered.

My story is a long one... how to mother a special needs child who ends up with cancer.  How to mother her sibling who didn't understand why all the attention was focused on her sister.  How to deal with major depression while trapped in a farce of a marriage- and how to end said marriage.  And how to find love again after losing all of my so called "friends".

Every day to me is a "New Day".  Will today be the day that I finally find a job where I am appreciated and not berated for being "old and slow"?  Will today be the day that my sister decides to forgive me for perceived wrongs I have committed against her?  I have to have faith that God is truly directing my steps and calling all the shots... I am at His mercy in all aspects of my life.  Will today be the day that my brother finally goes back to work?  I can only pray... one day at a time.